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Authored by: David H. Rosmarin, PhD, ABPP
Valentine’s Day celebrates romance, closeness, and connection. But for many people, it also brings something else to the surface: Anxiety.
That anxiety can show up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. You might find yourself overanalyzing your partner’s tone, feeling unusually sensitive to criticism, pulling away after a small disagreement, or worrying late at night about where the relationship is headed. Some people become more critical or demanding. Others grow quiet, distant, or emotionally guarded.
If love is supposed to make us happy, why does it so often make us feel tense, reactive, or afraid?
Recently, I worked with a married couple in a two-day intensive therapy program. Over the course of four extended sessions, we identified a painful cycle that had kept them stuck for years. She criticized him because she felt he didn’t care. He withdrew because he felt hurt and disrespected.
Like many couples, they felt trapped in their pattern. The more she protested for connection, the more he pulled away, and the more critical she became, creating more distance on his part. The cycle went around and around, intensifying over time. By the time I arrived on the scene, both felt unseen. Both felt alone.
But beneath that cycle was something neither of them had fully recognized. Both partners were deeply anxious about the relationship. And both were anxious because they cared about each other. Once this was named openly, it became clear that their actions were actually attempts to find one another.
She criticized him because she respected him and deeply wanted his attention. He withdrew because he cared about her, and her critical words were too painful to bear. Each was trying, in his or her own way, to protect the bond. Yet the very behaviors meant to preserve connection were slowly pushing them apart. What united them was one simple thing: anxiety about being loved.
On the first day of our work together, we focused on understanding the pattern rather than trying to fix it. She began to see how her criticism, fueled by fear of disconnection, caused him to freeze and retreat. He, in turn, recognized that his withdrawal - meant to shield himself from feeling unimportant or unworthy of respect - only intensified her anxiety and critical behavior. Neither partner was wrong. But anxiety had quietly taken the wheel.
On the second day, something shifted. Instead of reacting to one another’s defenses, they began to speak openly and directly about their anxiety. She talked about her fear of losing him. He shared his deepest concern: that he didn’t matter and wasn’t worthy of her respect. The conversation was deeply moving and tear-filled - both theirs and, at one point, mine. That honesty changed everything. When anxiety was named instead of acted out, it became a bridge rather than a barrier.
This is one of the paradoxes of love: The same anxiety that fuels criticism, withdrawal, or avoidance can also create closeness - when it is expressed with vulnerability rather than protection.
As a dyed-in-the-wool behavior therapist who now focuses primarily on couples and families in my own clinical practice, I have come to see a simple truth: Love makes us anxious because it matters.
Anxiety tends to show up where something important is at risk. If you’re anxious about love, that’s a good thing - it means that you value connection, belonging, intimacy.
When we treat anxiety only as a problem to eliminate, we miss its deeper message. You don’t have to be fearless to love well. You don’t have to eliminate anxiety to have a strong relationship.
Especially at moments that highlight closeness and commitment, the most connecting thing you can say may be: “I’m anxious - because you matter to me.” When anxiety is shared rather than hidden, it can soften defenses, deepen understanding, and bring people closer than they expected.
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