My Animated Film "true_self.exe", and Helping Others to Emotionally Feel Seen

I believe that in many ways, the beginning of my mental health journey and my art journey are actually intertwined. Growing up, I was in an unusual scenario where I went to a smaller than average K-12 school. On top of that, I was the only girl in my class who looked like me. I was tall, Black, and extremely shy. I always felt awkward, and like I stood out from everyone else. Although I don’t remember every personal experience that I had at that age, I remember the intensity of my emotional distress.

In early middle school, I discovered Japanese manga and anime, and I started engaging with stories about young girls like me. This was long before the rise of streaming and the animation boom which occurred during the Covid-19 pandemic, so most of the animation I had seen was either for very young children, or it was comedy for adults. These stories, however, felt catered to my demographic and they were emotionally powerful. They touched on issues of abuse, depression, suicide, love, heartbreak, and so on, perfectly encapsulating my feelings in a way which I couldn’t explain on my own. Even today, I find it hard to describe this experience, because the stories capture a magical essence which is difficult to put into words.

During my school years, my mental health made me feel empty, alone, hurt, isolated, and misunderstood. Ironically, it was the stories of girls and young women going through difficult experiences that made me feel better, as they mirrored my feelings. These characters felt real to me, even in fictional settings. When I felt hopeless, these stories made me want to keep living, even if it was just to experience another story. The validation these artworks gave me, inspired me to give the same to others through my own artwork. I dreamed of becoming an animation director, to bring feelings of catharsis and hope to people like me.

When I started true_self.exe as my graduate school thesis project, I was in a period of intense emotional pain. In addition to the Covid-19 pandemic, I faced numerous personal challenges, and I hadn’t fully addressed my comorbid mental health conditions. It was probably the hardest period of my life. While I was succeeding on the outside, on the inside, I was suffering immensely.

When I returned to school in-person, I began taking medication and I started therapy. It wasn’t an overnight success, but having gone my whole life without medication and fearing its effects, this change made a tremendous impact in my healing journey. Mental health medication is still stigmatized, especially for high-achievers like me. I was taught that pushing through without medication meant I was healthy enough to not need it. However, it wasn’t until I took medication for the first time, that I saw a new side of life, and I realized that every day doesn’t have to be so painful. Through therapy and self-reflection, I also recognized that receiving extra help doesn’t make me weaker. If anything, it showed me that I was strong enough to advocate for my own mental health, when it felt like no one else would.

true_self.exe connects with my desire to tell stories about individuals who look and feel like me. Within this film, I wanted to portray a complex young woman, who experiences a multitude of different sides and emotions. true_self.exe’s message is especially important within the age of social media, and I hope it continues to feel topical as apps change and evolve. Social media has a huge effect on our mental health and wellness.

Like my early art inspirations did for me, I hope that this film provides viewers with comfort, relief, catharsis, and the support of not feeling alone. While not everyone identifies as having a mental illness, most of us understand feelings of comparison, envy, and insecurity. I think that this animation will be especially relatable for young people who are navigating our current social media landscape. I truly hope my film brings solace to those who need it most.  

Finally, I would like to emphasize that curing your mental health problems may not be a quick fix, but just because things aren’t better in a day, doesn’t mean you aren’t moving towards a better future. It is always worth it to seek out care, health, and healing. Know that you are not alone, and that you deserve to feel validated, understood, and heard. I hope that my film helps you find a small piece of relief, and that you are guided towards hope, healing, and community.

I am sharing my film true_self.exe with ADAA, as a resource to help others who are grappling with their identity and self-worth in the face of social media pressures. One of my goals as an artist is to use my creativity to influence positive change in the world, and to help support others by providing comfort and catharsis through my art. Through sharing my film and personal story, I hope that I can cultivate a community around true_self.exe, to help it resonate with greater audiences. I think that a key solution to destigmatizing mood disorders, such as anxiety and depression, is to talk about them more openly. Thus, I believe that depicting these experiences through media in a genuine way, will play a critical role in raising awareness and support for these widespread issues. I hope that by sharing my own experiences, I can help others embrace themselves and feel recognized at whatever stage they’re at in their own mental health journeys.

true_self.exe is available on YouTube at: https://youtu.be/awfigjUYc4w

• Share Your Story and Voice and Help #breakthestigma Around Mental Health
• Support ADAA's Mission - Every Gift Makes an Impact
• Join an ADAA Online Peer to Peer Support Community
• ADAA Find Your Therapist