Caregiving and Mental Health

My mother was my hero and my soulmate. I loved her more than life itself. She developed Alzheimer's and then Parkinson's. I took care of her for 14 years until her recent death in June 2023. She was paralyzed, could not swallow, had a feeding tube, could not defecate or even blink her eyes; she lost one of them due to it drying out. Being an empath, and so close to my mother, this journey almost killed me. I developed severe depression, which I already had, and a horrible anxiety disorder, along with essential tremor in both my hands.

I would get her out of bed each day, bathe her, feed her, and so on. She needed 24/7 care. I was running purely on adrenaline and love.

She died in my arms when I went to wake her up at her scheduled wake up time. She took 3 very deep breaths and just passed. After her passing, I became even more depressed and very ill. I have stayed in bed for almost 2 years and have been suffering from anxiety attacks daily for over a year now.  

After several psychiatrists and therapy sessions, the anxiety attacks have stopped. I take lots of medications to keep me stable, but still lay in bed all of the time, pick my skin and have occasional anxiety within my body. I also do not leave my home and if I have to, I go to the store with a friend and come right back.

I will never be the same after my experience and the death of my mom. I feel I have lost everything I truly loved. I would do it all over again if I had to. 

The unconditional love I experienced through my mom was incredible and I know I will never have that in my life again. I am slowly trying to get myself back together, but to be honest, I don't know how that is going to go. She was everything to me! Nothing excites me anymore and I feel like I am just merely surviving. I lost over half of me after her death. I am a very sensitive and compassionate person, and I feel other’s pain. This was not the best thing to have while being a caregiver for the person you love the most in this life.

I shared my story with ADAA because I wonder if there are people like me out there. Caregiving did a lot of mental and physical damage to me, though I am glad I did it and would do it again for my mom. 

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