My Journey from Feeling Like a Loser to Finding Happiness

My life growing up sucked. It all started in 6th grade. I was the fat kid everyone hated and picked on for the sake of picking on. All I could do was take it. I didn't know how to defend myself. It was all mental, and not physical. When someone says to you, "You're a loser, Ken! You're a loser!" You tend to not just believe it, but BECOME it as well. 

I blame school, but I know it really came from my home and parents, especially from a mother who was not supportive or compassionate. It was her way or the highway on everything, it didn't matter what it was. I think that getting yelled at for everything was truly what caused me to be a loser who didn't know how to become the person he wanted or needed to become. 

I was so focused on everyone hating me, it was hard to focus on schoolwork. I had a few friends, we played sports, watched movies and all of the regular stuff, but I was still never that comfortable. High School was just as bad. I was alone in my mind and couldn't connect with anyone. The hatred and loneliness continued throughout college. I lived a life hating myself and calling myself a loser for everything that happened.

Yes, I tried sometimes to get help. I would go to a therapist a time or two, but if I didn't feel a connection, I would quit. Why would I believe it? How could they help me? What I realized later was that maybe I wanted help, but I wasn't ready.

I loved my job in TV news until I got fired. I did well, but never appreciated it. I took every mistake to heart, even dwelling all weekend over one thing. Even mistakes that weren't mine, felt like mine (I have read that is normal when you have depression or anxiety). I felt helpless.

The Day I Woke Up

God must hate me. I never knew what I did wrong or why I deserved this punishment of being alone and unemployed. I would yell at him. I would ask Him why He hated me. He never answered. He was probably laughing at me, I thought...

Until He saved me and gave me, not just a new opportunity, but a new life and new purpose.

Hitting the gym every morning gave me purpose and helped me feel good. A good way to start my day before spending it alone job searching. One day I got in touch with a friend of mine who recently opened his own gym with his wife. I got in touch and asked him if I could come check it out. We caught up and it was a good time.

The next day he emailed me, "Ken, I can't pay you a lot, but if you want to help me around the gym, you can workout here for free." God was watching me and taking care of me. 

I listened to God and accepted the job.

Being around the gym was a great motivator. Oh, I still felt like a loser and my mind was still dark and swamp-filled with all of the negativity I could ask for, but I was doing something. I had new and different people in my life. People with goals.

I hadn't set out to become a personal trainer, but being at the gym inspired me to take a course and get certified. It was the coolest thing in the world. It wasn't easy, but I did the best I could. But even though I had a new job, I was still—in my mind—a loser. I thought there was no way that would ever change, but then it did.

I woke up one morning. And it all disappeared. That's it. You ever have a great night's sleep where you wake up with a ton of energy, feeling great and ready to take on the world? That was how I felt. Even more, I felt positive. It was as though all of my depression and anxiety disappeared (it hasn't, more later). But I had an energy and a belief that felt like I could not be stopped. It was the best feeling!

What was better was when my boss/friend noticed. I told him I just felt different, he said, "Ken, you made a choice and we are really proud of you." That put a smile on my face.

The New Me

The one thing I have learned is that it is all about my choices. I cannot and will never tell anyone not to get help or take medication. But we are our choices. And for me, it is about choosing to be happy, being positive and finding gratitude. One thing I have learned is that it takes 3 good things to negate one bad one. So every day, I find my 3 wins. You can too. Your wins can be as big or small as you want them to be. As you keep finding your wins, your mind will start focusing more on the good and not the bad. It is a wonderful feeling.

I am so grateful for my changes. I am not perfect. I have my moments. I still get anxious and depressed, but now I know how to better manage those feelings, and I don't allow it to overtake me or my mind. 

Things that have helped me are:

• Exercising every day
• Eating real food, such as veggies, fruits and homemade meals
• Staying hydrated
• Getting 6-8 hours of sleep every night
• Journaling every day to manage stress.  
• Meditating 

I am married now and am working hard to build my fitness business. I hope to help inspire more people to fight their anxiety and depression and get the help they need. None of us deserve to live a life of sadness when life has so much to offer. I chose to share my story with ADAA, because I want everyone to know that it is possible to improve your life and not live a life of sadness. We are all allowed to be happy.

Be well, friends. Choose happy and stay strong!

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