Why Letting Your Child Do Things on Their Own Really Matters

Julia Martin Burch, PhD

Julia Martin Burch, PhD, is a clinical child psychologist and founder and director of Do What Works, a group practice dedicated to providing evidence-based therapy to young people and their families. She specializes in the cognitive behavioral treatment of anxiety, obsessive compulsive, and related disorders, as well as in behavioral parent coaching. Dr. Martin Burch is also passionate about disseminating the effective techniques she uses in therapy with the lay community through workshops and consultation with schools, pediatric practices, parent groups, and camps. She is a frequent contributor to outlets such as Harvard Health and the American Psychological Association. Dr. Martin Burch completed her training at Fairleigh Dickinson University, Weill Cornell Medical Center, Massachusetts General Hospital, and McLean Hospital/Harvard Medical School. Prior to transitioning to full time private practice and consulting, she worked as a staff psychologist in the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program and as a trainer and consultant focused on disseminating evidence-based practices in schools with the McLean School Consult Service.

Dr. Burch and ADAA

“A supervisor encouraged me to join ADAA in 2016 because of the excellent learning and networking opportunities for students and early career psychologists. I joined on her recommendation and soon after became part of the Child and Adolescent SIG leadership team and attended my first conference. I was blown away by the quality of the conference programming - I often wanted to attend three or four workshops per time slot - and left with many new evidence-based clinical insights and ideas. Since then, ADAA has become my favorite professional organization by far, due to the exceptional annual conference, professional development and networking opportunities, and the robust SIG programming. There are also so many ways to engage with the organization, such as the CDLP mentoring program or writing blogs for the lay public. I now encourage my own supervisees to join ADAA to build their professional networks and participate in the best conference around.”

Learn more about Dr. Martin Burch.

Camilo Ortiz, PhD, ABPP

Camilo Ortiz, PhD, ABPP, is an associate professor in the clinical psychology doctoral program at Long Island University-Post. He is also a fellow with the Flourishing in Action project at the Archbridge Institute. His scholarship focuses on parenting, child anxiety, disruptive behavior and cognitive behavior therapy. He is the co-developer of Independence Therapy, a revolutionary new approach to treating child anxiety through “mega-doses” of child independence. Dr. Ortiz is board-certified in behavioral and cognitive therapy and partner at Cognitive Behavioral Associates, located in Great Neck, NY, a group private psychology practice, specializing in the treatment of anxiety, emotion dysregulation, disruptive behavior, and other concerns. He is also clinical director of the Open Therapy Institute, a clinical and training organization aimed at returning clinical psychology to its client-centered, non-ideological roots. Dr. Ortiz received a B.S. in Human Development from Cornell University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. He completed a pre-doctoral internship at Montefiore Medical Center and a postdoctoral research fellowship at Stony Brook University before joining the faculty at LIU-Post.

Learn more about Dr. Camilo Ortiz

June 25, 2025

Why Letting Your Child Do Things on Their Own Really Matters

Authored by: Julia Martin Burch, PhD, and Camilo Ortiz, PhD, ABPP

Why Letting Your Child Do Things on Their Own Really Matters

It’s Tuesday night. You’re making a sandwich for your youngest, reminding your middle schooler to grab her flute for tomorrow’s concert, and mentally adding “wash uniform” and “sign permission slip” to your to-do list. Then your phone buzzes—time to check if your teenager turned in his math homework and confirm soccer carpool plans.

Sound familiar?

If you're a parent, this probably feels like a normal evening. You’re doing it all because you care and want your kids to succeed. But when we do everything for our kids, we may actually be making things harder—for them and for us.

Why Independence Helps Everyone

When kids don’t get the chance to do things on their own, they miss out on learning important life skills. Independence builds confidence. It teaches kids they can face problems and figure things out. Without that practice, they may become more anxious, not less.

And let’s be honest: constantly managing every detail of your child’s life is exhausting. Many parents—especially moms—are “exhausted, burned out and perpetually behind” and increasingly report poor mental health.

Research shows that kids who learn to be more independent feel more confident and less anxious. They learn that they can handle challenges—which helps to build resilience against anxiety. Yet many kids today do not get the chance to practice navigating challenges because well-intended adults are so quick to step in. According to research from the University of Michigan/CS Mott Children’s Hospital, parents see independence as beneficial, yet struggle to grant it to their children.

A New Way to Help Anxious Kids: Independence-Focused Therapy

This fresh approach to therapy for kids with anxiety is simple and powerful. It starts with one question: “What’s something you’d like to do on your own, but don’t yet?”

We then help kids fill their week with what we call Independence Activities, or IAs. These are fun, slightly challenging tasks kids choose and do without help from adults.

Examples might include:

Baking cookies on their own
Riding a bike to the park
Using a sharp knife (with training!) to whittle wood

These aren’t chores—they’re exciting things kids want to try.

In one peer-reviewed study, kids who did daily IAs had less anxiety in just a few weeks. And guess what? It’s great when things don’t go perfectly. When kids hit a bump in the road and figure it out, they learn they can handle tough stuff. That’s what builds real confidence.

IAs are different from traditional therapy tasks that directly trigger anxiety (like speaking in public). Because kids choose the activity themselves and want to do it, they feel more motivated—and they’re still learning the same powerful lessons.

What If Something Goes Wrong?

You might be thinking, “What if my child makes a mistake? What if they get hurt?”

That’s a normal fear. But small, safe risks are where growth happens.

Take 9-year-old Sarah. She was too anxious to sleep in her own bed. For her IA, she decided to take the city bus to school alone. One day, she missed her stop. She panicked—but then a kind stranger told her how to fix it: get off at the next stop and walk back two blocks. She did—and felt amazing. That night, she slept in her own bed for the first time.

Why? Because she proved to herself that she could solve problems on her own. That feeling carried over to other parts of her life.

Parents Are On Board, Too

Even though most parents haven’t heard of Independence-Focused Therapy, a recent study showed they like it just as much as traditional therapy. Dads found it especially helpful for boys, but moms and parents of girls also gave it high marks.

How to Get Started

Helping your child become more independent doesn’t mean throwing them into the deep end. It means giving them small chances to be brave—and cheering them on as they try.

This week, pick one Independence Activity: