by P.K. Philips

It is a continuous challenge living with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I've suffered from it for most of my life. I can look back now and gently laugh at all the people who thought I had the perfect life. I was young, beautiful, and talented, but unbeknownst to them, I was terrorized by an undiagnosed debilitating mental illness.

Having been properly diagnosed with PTSD at age 35, I know that there is not one aspect of my life that has gone untouched by this mental illness. My PTSD was triggered by several traumas, including a childhood laced with physical, mental, and sexual abuse, as well as an attack at knifepoint that left me thinking I would die. I would never be the same after that attack. For me there was no safe place in the world, not even my home. I went to the police and filed a report. Rape counselors came to see me while I was in the hospital, but I declined their help, convinced that I didn't need it. This would be the most damaging decision of my life.

For months after the attack, I couldn't close my eyes without envisioning the face of my attacker. I suffered horrific flashbacks and nightmares. For four years after the attack I was unable to sleep alone in my house. I obsessively checked windows, doors, and locks. By age 17, I'd suffered my first panic attack. Soon I became unable to leave my apartment for weeks at a time, ending my modeling career abruptly. This just became a way of life. Years passed when I had few or no symptoms at all, and I led what I thought was a fairly normal life, just thinking I had a "panic problem."

Then another traumatic event re-triggered the PTSD. It was as if the past had evaporated, and I was back in the place of my attack, only now I had uncontrollable thoughts of someone entering my house and harming my daughter. I saw violent images every time I closed my eyes. I lost all ability to concentrate or even complete simple tasks. Normally social, I stopped trying to make friends or get involved in my community. I often felt disoriented, forgetting where, or who, I was. I would panic on the freeway and became unable to drive, again ending a career. I felt as if I had completely lost my mind. For a time, I managed to keep it together on the outside, but then I became unable to leave my house again.

Around this time I was diagnosed with PTSD. I cannot express to you the enormous relief I felt when I discovered my condition was real and treatable. I felt safe for the first time in 32 years. Taking medication and undergoing behavioral therapy marked the turning point in my regaining control of my lifeI'm rebuilding a satisfying career as an artist, and  I am enjoying my life. The world is new to me and not limited by the restrictive vision of anxiety. It amazes me to think back to what my life was like only a year ago, and just how far I've come.

For me there is no cure, no final healing. But there are things I can do to ensure that I never have to suffer as I did before being diagnosed with PTSD. I'm no longer at the mercy of my disorder and I would not be here today had I not had the proper diagnosis and treatment. The most important thing to know is that it's never too late to seek help.

Read PK's Story in a MyAJC article

"I'm no longer at the mercy of my PTSD, and I would not be here today had I not had the proper diagnosis and treatment. It's never too late to seek help."

Comments

I suffer from a complex version of PTSD and as of late my symptoms have been getting worse and more extreme than ever. I have been to my doctors and the only solution they can offer me is an increase in benzos and sleeping pills. In my opinion both are not something that l want since l already have a drinking problem and an addiction to benzo.

I was hoping to get some feedback, knowledge, information or insight into anyone that suffers from PTSD and if the use of cannabis https://www.bonzaseeds.com/blog/flo/ has been theraputic on helping lesson the symptoms?

I have attempted to find articles on the subject but the studies that l seem to have found are inconclusive to if cannabis is helpful to those that suffer from symptoms. I am at my wits end trying to find an option that will help me be able to cope day-to-day with my symptoms as they are impacting my life in a very negative way.

So please any knowledge or personal experience anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully someone will be able to steer me in the right direction so that l can better manage my health and hopefully start to live my life.

Cameron,
I found your comment while looking for ways to manage my depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I too drink too much. I went to therapy for 7 mo. To a great therapist, and that's when I learned I had ptsd. The therapy was great because I understand what's happening better. I smoked weed for 25 yrs, I'm 42 now. And for a long time I think it helped. But I have a sensitive mind and body, and it eventually turned on me. Basically it increased my anxiety suddenly. After yrs of anti depressants and off and on benzos.. I have come to the conclusion that there is no cure, only management. I believe that if I didn't drink, things could be better, but I'm sure you know how that goes. I've resigned to the idea of maintaining my dose of Effexor while using benzos when I have the most difficult times. If you've ever gotten off of them..you know they are horrible to withdrawal from. I guess what I'm saying, is that you are not alone. And it makes me feel better to know the same. I wish you the best, only you can know what is best for you. Take care, and keep fighting the good fight!

I too am diagnosed with PTSD and have had great success with cannabis as a medication. It helped me do the things I lost interest in. It helped me not be depressed. It helped me recall repressed memories. It really helped my recovery.

But absolutely at some point you have to stop. It does turn on you.

I pray that you get the help you so desperately need.

If you get a chance, please check out my new blog, www.refugeformisfits.com.

Hi Cameron,

Have you tried EMI (eye movement integration). I have CPTSD and it really worked for me!

Look I have PTSD to I know it’s hard marijuana help me with my PTSD so if you think that marijuana helps you with your PTSD. Then I suggest you do it if marijuana helps and calms you down and if marijuana helps decrease like helps you have less flash backs and helps your Ptsd then do it., try to stay positive tho if you start to get really negative thoughts change the negative thoughts to positive thought,. And pray for them to go away amen.!.

I have found Ketamine infusions to be the most beneficial for treatment of my PTSD and depression. I do not care for cannabis, so I don’t have anything to offer in that regard.

PTSD is a real syndrome that needs to have additional research and options. I am very sick. I have been diagnosed by a PhD psychotherapist and and MD psychiatrist. I currently take no medications, though I do attend talk therapy twice weekly. PTSD has destroyed my interpersonal life and family relationships. I am looking for support from this community or anyone. I was previously athletic, fit, and I am a young-ish female combat veteran. I want to regain my life.

PTSD is a monster that lives in the shadows of my life. Every time I think I have defeated the monster it returns at my most vulnerable moments.

For the past five years I’ve been stuck in home trying to scrape by and struggle through my anxiety and ptsd.(with no prescriptions or therapy) It is aurguably one of the worst things to deal with since you are your own worst enemy, as opposed to cancer or lost limbs, or stacks of bills, or career issues. Your very ability to change perspectives and find strength in perspective-change is shattered if the anxiety and ptsd issues are frequent enough. I guess I am just trying to say it’s tougher every day as I start to see why suicide can occur as a result because the hope of a brighter day becomes dimmer with each trip you miss out on or social gathering or loss of normal function such as driving. We all know where we should be and who we’d like to be (what we and the world around us expects) and anxiety and ptsd issues can rob us of believing we are right where we need to be, and rob us of confidence we once took for granted. But there isn’t just hope, I disagree with some people whom say there is no cure just coping. And I can prove it. There’s always something, no matter how hard it is to find, that triggers desire. And there is no denying the power of desire. I’ve experienced this first hand, and suddenly when I want something terribly bad anxiety or ptsd doesn’t get in the way and is forgotten and not with me. But that’s easier said than done. Regardless it’s worth a try with even the smallest pleasures like setting up a relaxing evening for yourself in front of the television and your favorite snack. Or perhaps what worked for me is cooking. It’s very meditative with some smooth music and make some good food from scratch. Aside from this, when it comes to the chemical side of things, cbd oil has been of tremendous help for me, but only in consistent dosages once before bed under tongue around 5mg. Of course some do more but everyone reacts differently. But regardless best to start at lower dosages. Aside from all of the above, this may sound very generic or “korny”, but avoid at all costs negative people in your life whom put you down or place excessive pressures on you. After all it’s the general negativite events that got us where we are. Negative got us there, positive will get us out. Even if it’s accomplished one agonizing positive thought at a time.

I couldn't have said all this better myself.. I feel like ppl just don't understand what its like for us day to day especially my husband, that its a struggle.. you just don't know if your going to have the energy to do what you need to do that day or is it going to be your down day..your mind is always ready to go but your body does different.. Its just calming to read other ppl going through the same, because you all understand..

You are so right about people not understanding or knowing the struggles we face every day. I have many opinionated family members and friends that say its mind over matter. I would like for them to walk 1 day in my shoes, I am always waiting for the next rude comment to come out of their mouth. I am 42 and have been battling this illness as well as anxiety, depression for the better part of 30 years. It was just about 5 years ago I learned I had this illness. So for so many years I really thought I would never be "normal" what ever that may be really. I missed a lot of special things in my kids lives due to turning to alcohol to try and medicate myself into thinking I was just like everyone else. My struggles have been flared back up by several things that have happened over the last year. I am in the darkest of places right now and attempted suicide. I have never gotten to this point in my life where I felt this bad. I am going into get a new medication that will hopefully help and new coping skills. My story really could go on for days but for today I am glad I have your stories to read and comments because knowing your not alone does help.

Saving Grace

January 12, 2019

In reply to by Nick

Hello, I was diagnosed with and have been battling delayed onset C-PTSD due to several traumatic events. My diagnosis was in 2016, but the symptoms started years earlier unbeknownst to me.The first traumatic event being the death of my mother, when I was 5 years old. I am currently 59 years old. I had no idea that trauma could be stored in the mind, body, spirit for such a long time.

What's helping me to recover is energy healing, meditation and practicing mindfulness, along with talk therapy and a low dose anxiety regimen at night.

This illness is by far my most challenging, but I am learning ways to help alleviate my symptoms. It is worth a try for those who have not tried guided meditation.

I believe in ot so much, I recently started working on putting together my own guided meditation that helps me and I believe it will help others. The music has helped a great deal to calm my mind.

For five years I had no idea I was struggling with PTSD. I am starting a new blog about my trauma and healing journey http://traumaqueenblog.com/. I am hoping to build a community of trauma survivors who have gone through similar events (EMDR, PTSD, anxiety, depression) in hopes of finding support and advice. Join me on my journey as I try to better understand my trauma and path to healing through personal blog posts, humor and hope at traumaqueenblog.com

Hey. I liked reading your story. I really shows how PTSD can affect your life and how important it is to seek treatment.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am 42 years old and finally got in tune with my diagnosis. I was on and off with my therapy and meds. for anxiety and depression. I brushed off the latest one which is PTSD. I now understood why I fear everything, why I isolate myself from people, I have sudden panic attacks, why I am extra vigilant. I couldn't drive far from my perimeters. I lost my career and even my identity. I wonder specifically what behavioral therapy they gave you and what meds? How long did it take you to overcome it?

I am about to go for diagnosis of PTSD. Looking back at my long life I realize that I have had it all throughout my life but could not acknowledge that I had mental illness because I would have had my military career ended if I had admitted it to a Doctor. There was so much stigma..
I retriggered throughout my life by a series of unfortunate and unexpected traumas, one of which involved exposure to a serial killer in addition to a subsequent loss of my partner and my trust in him.
The PTSD was recently Retriggered again by breakins to my car. I don't feel safe and I feel rage. I am afraid of what I would do if I caught the culprit in the act. At the same time I am hypervigilent to the point of ridiculous. I hear a noise and I have to check my car. I have thoughts of uneasiness and fear the second the sun goes down. I live alone. I feel out of control and on a very slippery slope. I am going down.
Thankfully my appointment is 3 days away. I will be asking for help.