Adults

Many of us involved in the arts maintain a complicated tango with our mental health. For someone like me, a theatre director, actor and songwriter with lifelong OCD and anxiety, an overactive imagination has been a source of both severe difficulties and some of my most creative work. The same impulse that makes me need to touch everything three times is the one that, when I’m staging a show, makes me meticulous about finding the perfect image.

 These are the words I could never say in school. Every day was a silent struggle... Praying my name wasn’t called in class, avoiding friends on the soccer field, and engaging in substances that I was far too young to experience.

“I’m fine; leave me alone” he says as I find myself, yet again, prodding, nagging, trying to help

The words hit me

So familiar

Not just in our own dance of push and pull

But also in that of another anxiety-ridden parent-child relationship, this one where I am the child

Was it only last week that I found my 44 year-old self saying these same words to my own mother

As she was expressing her concern about my own issue that I wanted to deny

And so it is, this game we play

Growing up as a terrified Amish child was extremely difficult because I could not speak to anyone about my fears, nightmares, and personal illusions that were perceived as reality. My family did not believe in any form of expression or communication because we were in the strictest Amish sect. They did not even believe in hugging their children or saying I love you.

“You have no idea what it feels like inside my brain,”
My child once said to me, as I was losing my patience and compassion
For what felt like the millionth time in his young life
That he asked me if I had washed my hands before touching something
 
And, he was right, as much as I tried, I (and others) could have had no idea what it feels like to live every single day

It seems so unreal that back in 2000 when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety that I could ever imagine I would have found the PERFECT tool for my toolbox and my BEST medicine; that would have helped me cope with all these important mental health issues that I face. I attend therapy sessions twice a month with my therapist but that’s not the way I cope best.