Courage Unveiled: My Journey with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

06.13.2024

Courage Unveiled: My Journey with Generalized Anxiety Disorder

by Octavia S. Hicks

Living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) has shaped my life in ways I never imagined. I was diagnosed around 18, though I’m sure I had it long before then. Growing up, I endured many painful experiences: the fear of losing my mom, who was constantly sick, and the name-calling and ridicule I faced as an early teen, which made it clear that I didn’t fit in. One experience as an older teen changed my life forever: being the target of a cruel bet that deeply hurt my self-esteem, leaving me feeling ugly, self-conscious, worthless, and alone. Unable to speak about how I felt, I began to write. From that point on, my notebook became my confidant, a safe space to express my thoughts and emotions through words and songs.

The experiences I endured left deep scars that extended into adulthood. The beliefs I developed about myself led me to situations that made me feel even more insignificant. To cope, I turned to promiscuity and alcohol, numbing myself to the internal battles and abuse I endured. I masked all my pain behind a smile. Although diagnosed with GAD, no one explained it. I later realized my thoughts and feelings were symptoms. When I sought help, it only made me feel worse; doctors stigmatized me, and counselors lacked nonjudgmental support. After trying counselors and meds with worse side effects than benefits, I turned to homeopathic remedies and prayer, ultimately dealing with this battle on my own.

Despite numerous severe anxiety attacks over the years, none compared to the mental health crisis I experienced in July 2023 at age 43. I was exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I had been pouring from an empty cup for far too long, constantly prioritizing others' needs while neglecting my own. I couldn't find the balance. My life had become heavy, and my Generalized Anxiety Disorder was at its worst. It was time to wipe away the fake smile, remove the cape, and seek the help I desperately needed. I deeply desired solitude, to finally be heard and understood. I needed to be free and stop hiding my disorder.

Thus began my journey to explore GAD more deeply, connect with others like me, help those closest to me better understand, and work toward personal healing and forgiveness. This involved healing from past trauma, learning to forgive myself, and accepting my condition with compassion.

Along the way, I found the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). I read shared stories, explored resources, and joined a forum full of people like me; a safe space. The HealthUnlocked forum was a revelation, showing me it’s okay not to be okay and that I am not alone. Engaging with this community, I received insights, encouragement, and well wishes, which significantly impacted my journey. This community became a beacon of light and a much-needed outlet.

Almost a year has passed since my breakdown, and although I still have my struggles, I feel much better. My biggest accomplishment this past year is that I remained present. With God, my support system, and getting back to my first love... writing, I’m here today. The breakdown was necessary; it made me realize the importance of self-care. It didn’t feel good, but I’m thankful for the wake-up call. Without it, I might never have finished the book God inspired me to write long ago. This past January, I published Faithful Reflections: Trusting the Journey, a 14-day devotional to encourage others facing life’s challenges. It is available on Amazon.

If you're struggling, know you're not alone. There is always a place for you in this world and a welcoming, safe space for you on ADAA. Healing and acceptance start from within. It may not look like it some days but know there is always something to live for, to smile about, and to be grateful for.

You were created for a purpose, regardless of any disorder, disability, or mental health struggles. Embrace your journey and know that you are valuable and worthy just as you are. This journey has taught me that those who will be in your corner will stay, and those who can't handle it won’t, and that's okay. Bloom where you are planted, surround yourself with those who choose to be present and supportive, but most importantly, show up for yourself because you matter.

If you know someone who is struggling, be a beacon of light for them. Listen, give them grace, and sometimes a little space to figure things out. A little understanding can make a significant difference in the lives of those you love who may be battling.

I have finally chosen to live in my truth. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I'm okay with that!