There's Always a Rainbow, You Just Can't See

01.21.2025

There's Always a Rainbow, You Just Can't See

by Laurie Dameron

--Trigger Warning - Suicide Discussion --

When I awoke on Thanksgiving Day in 1987, I was fortunate that I hit rock bottom! Just four days into sobriety, I stopped sleeping and began experiencing paranoia and delusions. Despite being a psychology major, I had no idea what was happening to me and I ended up attempting suicide.

After my suicide attempt, I was hospitalized but not given a proper diagnosis for what was going on. By some miracle, I managed to stay sober that first year by following every suggestion from fellow AA members and my sponsor. However, in the fall of 1988, I experienced another psychosis and was hospitalized again. This time though, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. I was so relieved to finally have answers. You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to stop taking my medication!

But sobriety was just the beginning of another journey. Even on Lithium and while maintaining my sobriety, I experienced numerous hypomanic episodes and was hospitalized multiple times. In 1999, I made a very serious suicide attempt, and I am lucky to be alive. I spent three months at Fort Logan State Hospital, where I was willing to try a new medication: Clozapine. That medication, combined with working through the 12 Steps of AA for the fourth or fifth time and making over 50 amends, transformed my life. I’ve been told many times by staff at Chinook Clubhouse and Mental Health Partners of Boulder that I am truly a miracle.

Most of the time I’m functional and feel pretty stable, but I do continue to struggle with depression and anxiety. The worst parts are the extremes! I can feel perfectly fine for days and then suddenly crash to the point of feeling suicidal for no apparent reason. The depression and anxiety feed off one another—the more anxiety I feel, the more depressed I become; the more depressed I get, the more anxious I feel.

I try to tell myself not to worry, that “I’ll feel better in the morning…” and I usually do. One thing that helps a lot with my depression and anxiety is exercising. Even if I don’t feel like it, I rarely skip my daily exercise. I try to eat a ‘rainbow’ of nutrients to help my brain as well.

I went to therapy from 1988 to 2012, and seeing a therapist helped! Therapy is so great because you have someone who listens and cares. My most recent experience with therapy in 2023 was really great. Not only was my therapist a good listener, but he also gave me many tools to choose from; DBT, ACT, Internal Family Systems and more. I’ve also been seeing a psychiatrist regularly since 1988.

As I write this story on Thanksgiving Day 2024, I am celebrating 37 years of sobriety! Over the last 37 years, I’ve shared my story and described what psychosis is like many times in AA meetings. While I served on the Speaker’s Bureau at Chinook Clubhouse, my colleagues and I spoke to high school classes and students at the University of Colorado Boulder. The students were so grateful to hear firsthand experiences of people living with mental illness. If I had speakers come to my psychology classes when I was studying in college, I may have had an idea of what was happening to me in my early sobriety.

I continue to give back and help those who may be struggling with their sobriety and mental health by sponsoring and attending AA meetings, working as a Peer Support Specialist at Windhorse Community Services, offering professional speaking and through my music. I created a multimedia program called Spaceship Earth: What Can I Do?, where I use art, photography, science, and live music to share simple actions that we can all take to create a healthier planet. Since 2012, I have presented this program hundreds of times and I am incredibly proud of its impact.

I’m filled with gratitude to be able to help others by sharing my experience, strength, and hope with ADAA, and I aspire to inspire even more people by speaking at mental health conferences and through my music.

Share Your Story and Voice and Help #breakthestigma Around Mental Health