When the Sky Feels Heavy

07.13.2024

When the Sky Feels Heavy

by Luciana Valbuena

My dream was always to be a mother. But my family was focused solely on the idea of studying, and having kids was not an option for me. However, my dream was to be the mom of two girls. When I met my husband, I felt it was the right moment and we decided to have our first child. My pregnancy was not good at all; I felt really sick but still really happy and excited.

The day my first child was born, I felt something in me change completely. I didn’t know what it was—I thought it was the result of 33 hours of extreme pain. But when I saw my daughter, I felt happy, yet alongside that happiness came fear and an unknown feeling. As time passed, I thought it was just the traumatic experience and that I was still in shock. However, a dark feeling started growing inside me, but I never shared it because I didn’t want to be judged. I knew I loved my child and was happy; my dream had come true, so I felt I didn’t have the right to complain or feel bad.

In my dream, the decision to be a stay-at-home mom was included. I wanted to spend those first years with my baby. After 2 years we decided it was time to have our second daughter, but my struggles grew bigger and became almost impossible to handle. It was another hard pregnancy and labor. My fear and anxiety grew. The only thing on my mind was what a bad mom I was.

I stopped seeing myself in the mirror from the time my first daughter was born. I didn’t like how I looked and felt I didn’t have the time to organize myself. I had cut my hair for an easier routine and didn’t know who I was anymore. Every day felt like walking in a circle over and over. I used to be very positive and treated myself well, but I lost all of that. I constantly had bad and intrusive thoughts and became more lonely. My husband and kids were always with me, and I felt guilty for just being like that. I cried every night without a reason, I couldn’t name it and tried to hide it. I thought it was the lack of sleep, the cold, or being an immigrant far from my country.

I started realizing that it was not normal to feel like the sky was heavy every day. After a couple of years, I began to investigate and identified with a lot of the diagnostic symptoms. I talked with my husband, and I finally expressed everything that I was thinking and feeling. We have good communication, and he had noticed things were different but didn't know 100% what was going on in my head. Once I reached out for help, life started to change. With my husband's help, we moved to a city closer to family and friends in a warmer climate.

After moving, my sister lived closer to me and was able to look after my daughters when I had a date with my husband. I trusted her and felt confident leaving my daughters with her. It was strange but beautiful. My sister didn’t stop there; she built a really good relationship with her nieces. My other sister started traveling more frequently from Canada to visit us. Being with them helped me not to feel alone.

My friend Dani, who is also a mom, and I talked about it. It was the first time I opened up to someone outside of my family. We found that we both felt the same but weren’t expressing it. She invited me to a dance class. I love to dance—it’s in my nature— but I had stopped doing it. My husband encouraged me to join Dani, and I went. I saw this big room with a huge glass mirror. After so many years, I saw myself, but I still didn’t want to see myself. However, I enjoyed that night a lot. It was the first time I had driven alone in a long time. I danced and it felt good. We started going every week, and it was therapeutic for me. We would meet 30 minutes before to talk and check in on how we were feeling. And then we decided to go out for dinner and have a night out.

From all these experiences, I started to understand that I’m a mother, but I’m also a woman. The woman I was before pregnancy was no longer there, but that’s okay. I began working on myself while also being the mom for my kids. The guilty feeling was still there, and I thought I had been the worst mom and regretted not being the happy and energetic mom I envisioned.

My husband made a video that started from the year we met to the present as a gift for me. I watched it, and it was funny and nice, but I started seeing things I couldn’t remember. In the video, I wasn’t that tired and unhappy mom I thought I was—I was always smiling, playing, and being the mom I dreamed of. Tears came to my eyes; I was in shock. I couldn’t remember any of that.

This is an important part I want to highlight: “If you are a partner, husband, friend, or family member, take a photo or video of that mom with the baby. It will help that mom in hard times.”

I continued to work on myself and I started feeling good. I enjoyed my hobbies and passions and created new ones. I started playing the cello again. I can look at myself in the mirror and say good things again. I received support from my family and professional help, which has been instrumental in managing my mental health. My kids and family are my treasure, my most valuable and important thing, and now I am included too. I work on that new woman every day.

During that period, I created a book, "When the Sky Feels Heavy". It is dedicated to supporting mothers experiencing postpartum depression. I wrote this book to shine a light on the often unspoken struggles of early motherhood. I want to reach many mothers who are struggling with similar situations. I want us to be more confident, and I want it to be easier to talk about the topic. "When the Sky Feels Heavy" is my personal experience. I want this book to be a cute moment between mom and baby and a daily reminder that YOU ARE DOING GREAT!

I have also updated my website with further information, links, and support pages dedicated to Postpartum Depression. You can find that here www.paperwave.co.nz/resources.

I chose to share my story with ADAA because I believe in the importance of raising awareness about mental health issues and providing support to those who are struggling. ADAA has a great platform for reaching and helping people, which is why they are added to my website as a resource.