3 Ways to Help Kids Manage Emotions During Covid

3 Ways to Help Kids Manage Emotions During Covid

Elise Nebolsine, LCSW

Elisa Nebolsine LCSW

Elisa Nebolsine, LCSW is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist in private practice in Falls Church, VA.  She is the author of The Grit Workbook for Kids: CBT Skills to Help Kids Cultivate a Growth Mindset and Build Resilience, and an adjunct faculty member at the Beck Institute in Philadelphia, PA where she teaches, supervises, and consults on the use of CBT with kids.  In addition, she is an adjunct faculty at Catholic University's graduate school of social work where she teaches clinical child practice.  Elisa has been in practice for over twenty years, and she has a strong commitment to the use of CBT with mood disorders in youth.

3 Ways to Help Kids Manage Emotions During Covid

Share
Yes
Elisa Nebolsine, LCSW

The virus has upended the world as we know it, and kids are struggling.  Kids were not meant to live this way.  None of us were meant to live this way, but as a child therapist, I have a special focus on kids and their well-being.  And, as an anxiety specialist, I have been dismayed to watch as, over this quarantine, my anxious kids start to show signs of depression.  We can’t fix the virus (yet),  but there are things we can do to help kids build resilience and get through this period.

Teach kids that feelings are temporary.  All feelings end.  This sounds obvious, but it’s surprisingly easy for kids (and adults) to get caught up in feelings, and think that we will feel that way forever.  The idea that feelings are temporary and all feelings end is enormously powerful for kids. 

When using this technique, I usually tell a story that illustrates the point (and is related to the topic at hand).  I might say: “ I remember a time I really hurt my friend’s feelings.  I said something insensitive, and it made her feel terrible.  It was awful.  I felt sick to my stomach, and I just wanted to take it all back but I couldn’t.  I apologized, but I couldn’t get rid of the bad feeling.  Eventually, I started to remind myself that the feeling would end.  That this feeling was temporary, and even though I felt terrible now, I wouldn’t feel terrible forever.”  I ask kids how long they think I felt bad, and they usually predict (correctly) that even the next day won’t feel as bad, and that the feelings will come and go. 

I then ask them about a time this happened to them, and what might have been different if they had known and told themselves that this feeling was temporary and would end.  Usually, they predict that this knowledge  would have been helpful.  We then write this phrase on a sticky note or index card, and I ask kids to look at when they feel overwhelmed by emotions.  I also ask parents to help model and coach this idea by telling themselves (out loud) what they feel, and that this feeling will end.

Name to Tame.  This is a simple concept with big power, and it’s based on research out of UCLA.  Psychologist Matthew Lieberman found that when we name our feelings we make them more manageable.  Dr. Lieberman used an fmri- an mri that can show our brain in real time- to show brain changes that occur when we name emotions. 

In the study, Dr. Lieberman had participants look at scary pictures and he, unsurprisingly, saw increased activity in the amygdala.  But when the participants named how they were feeling (“I feel scared when I look at that giant tiger”) the brain activity shifted so that the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) was also engaged.  By naming what they were feeling, participants moved from a purely emotional response (amygdala) to engaging the thinking, rational, problem-solving part of the brain (PFC). 

When kids learn to name their feelings, and to use language to describe the emotions they are experiencing, they move out of a purely emotional state.  This matters because kids can use language to regulate emotions.  Rather than just feeling overwhelmed, they can explain the emotion and understand why they are feeling that way. 

When I’m explaining this idea to kids, I often use Harry Potter as an example.  In Harry Potter no one will say the villain’s name, Voldermort, out loud.  But Harry Potter does.  He explains that if you don’t name something, you give it even more power.  Naming the scary thing makes it more real and therefore more manageable.

When we’re in a heightened emotional state, feelings can lie.  This can be a hard strategy for people to buy into.  In our culture, we value “trusting our gut” and “listening to our intuition,” and I am not saying to ignore your gut or intuition.  I am saying that feelings can be misleading, and there are times we have to look at facts rather than simply relying on the feeling.  

Heightened states of emotion activate our limbic system (the feeling part of our brain).  This means our brain moves in to a fight, flight or freeze response, and our brain becomes more focused on surviving than on thinking through the situation.  When we are in a highly emotional state, feelings often seem bigger and worse than they really are.  For kids, this might look like getting mad at a parent and yelling “I hate you!”  When they calm down, they usually feel terrible about saying that.  They don’t hate their parents, they just felt terrible in that moment.  We all get this, and we’ve all been there – where we said something we didn’t mean out of anger or other emotion.

Kids can learn that when they are stressed, angry, or just emotional in general, their feelings get turned up- just like the volume on a tv or computer.  Feelings seem bigger and more dramatic than they really are.  A simple strategy to teach kids about this is to ask a couple questions: How big of a deal will this seem in two hours?  How about two weeks?  Usually the answer is that it won’t be a big deal at all, and probably won’t even matter.  The use of future time makes kids realize the relative unimportance.

Other strategies include looking at the facts of the situation.  “I hear you.  This feels absolutely awful.  You feel certain that you will always be alone, and never have any friends.  But I wonder if we can look at the facts?  Can I ask you a couple questions?  How many friends do you currently have?  How many did you have last week?  Last year?”  Asking these guided fact-based questions can provide the facts that disprove the feelings.  And kids can start to see that just because it feels true, doesn’t mean it is true.

This is a challenging time for everyone right now.  We are all struggling with the uncertainty and anxiety about the virus.  Kids are having the same experience, and they have less tools to manage their anxiety.  Teaching these simple and easy to use emotional management strategies can make a big difference.

Elise Nebolsine, LCSW

Elisa Nebolsine LCSW

Elisa Nebolsine, LCSW is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist in private practice in Falls Church, VA.  She is the author of The Grit Workbook for Kids: CBT Skills to Help Kids Cultivate a Growth Mindset and Build Resilience, and an adjunct faculty member at the Beck Institute in Philadelphia, PA where she teaches, supervises, and consults on the use of CBT with kids.  In addition, she is an adjunct faculty at Catholic University's graduate school of social work where she teaches clinical child practice.  Elisa has been in practice for over twenty years, and she has a strong commitment to the use of CBT with mood disorders in youth.

ADAA Blog Content and Blog Comments Policy

ADAA Blog Content and Blog Comments Policy

ADAA provides this Website blogs for the benefit of its members and the public. The content, view and opinions published in Blogs written by our personnel or contributors – or from links or posts on the Website from other sources - belong solely to their respective authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of ADAA, its members, management or employees. Any comments or opinions expressed are those of their respective contributors only. Please remember that the open and real-time nature of the comments posted to these venues makes it is impossible for ADAA to confirm the validity of any content posted, and though we reserve the right to review and edit or delete any such comment, we do not guarantee that we will monitor or review it. As such, we are not responsible for any messages posted or the consequences of following any advice offered within such posts. If you find any posts in these posts/comments to be offensive, inaccurate or objectionable, please contact us via email at [email protected] and reference the relevant content. If we determine that removal of a post or posts is necessary, we will make reasonable efforts to do so in a timely manner.

ADAA expressly disclaims responsibility for and liabilities resulting from, any information or communications from and between users of ADAA’s blog post commenting features. Users acknowledge and agree that they may be individually liable for anything they communicate using ADAA’s blogs, including but not limited to defamatory, discriminatory, false or unauthorized information. Users are cautioned that they are responsible for complying with the requirements of applicable copyright and trademark laws and regulations. By submitting a response, comment or content, you agree that such submission is non-confidential for all purposes. Any submission to this Website will be deemed and remain the property of ADAA.

The ADAA blogs are forums for individuals to share their opinions, experiences and thoughts related to mental illness. ADAA wants to ensure the integrity of this service and therefore, use of this service is limited to participants who agree to adhere to the following guidelines:

1. Refrain from transmitting any message, information, data, or text that is unlawful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, that may be invasive of another 's privacy, hateful, or bashing communications - especially those aimed at gender, race, color, sexual orientation, national origin, religious views or disability.

Please note that there is a review process whereby all comments posted to blog posts and webinars are reviewed by ADAA staff to determine appropriateness before comments are posted. ADAA reserves the right to remove or edit a post containing offensive material as defined by ADAA.

ADAA reserves the right to remove or edit posts that contain explicit, obscene, offensive, or vulgar language. Similarly, posts that contain any graphic files will be removed immediately upon notice.

2. Refrain from posting or transmitting any unsolicited, promotional materials, "junk mail," "spam," "chain mail," "pyramid schemes" or any other form of solicitation. ADAA reserves the right to delete these posts immediately upon notice.

3. ADAA invites and encourages a healthy exchange of opinions. If you disagree with a participant 's post or opinion and wish to challenge it, do so with respect. The real objective of the ADAA blog post commenting function is to promote discussion and understanding, not to convince others that your opinion is "right." Name calling, insults, and personal attacks are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. ADAA will remove these posts immediately upon notice.

4. ADAA promotes privacy and encourages participants to keep personal information such as address and telephone number from being posted. Similarly, do not ask for personal information from other participants. Any comments that ask for telephone, address, e-mail, surveys and research studies will not be approved for posting.

5. Participants should be aware that the opinions, beliefs and statements on blog posts do not necessarily represent the opinions and beliefs of ADAA. Participants also agree that ADAA is not to be held liable for any loss or injury caused, in whole or in part, by sponsorship of blog post commenting. Participants also agree that ADAA reserves the right to report any suspicions of harm to self or others as evidenced by participant posts.