Everlasting Suicide

05.16.2022

Everlasting Suicide

by Ruth

The word everlasting, you might use for everlasting love, everlasting ray of light, or even famous Willie Wonka Everlasting Gobstopper. I am using this to describe as an everlasting suicide.
My mother fought depression and severe complications of medicines for severe arthritis at such a young age. Not too long into it, took her life and left behind myself and my four younger siblings. I'm sure it was hard on my grandparents to outlive their child, as well. The suicide ended her anguish but now affected all who loved her.

I am surely not ignorant to know it has affected me in many ways. Decisions in my life were based off of not being helped to get over my grief. I felt I had to pick myself up and sweep her suicide under the rug. Not another word of it, should be said. That is how mental health was back then. For years, different emotions overcame me. There was sadness of not having my mom. Anger for her not there when I married or had my children. Embarrassment to tell someone your mother died of suicide. I know now, I didn't have a normal grieving period for her.

I think over all these forty years that is why I didn't tell my children more of what a wonderful mom she was. How she loved me so much. I never describe her or tell my children the stories she told me. I realized I was ashamed that I didn't know or see her depression or signs of mental illness. I was angry I couldn't save her. If I knew then what I knew now, there was a chance.

Pushing forward to current years. I have felt anxiety, I have felt myself losing control and felt depression. I currently started going to a wellness coach because my stress and borderline depression was coming to an overload. Over all these years I was taking care of everyone else and not taking care of me. In my process of finding myself I found that I never got over my mother's suicide. In today's world we don't have to sweep it under the rug, there doesn't need to be the skeleton in the closet and we don't have to suffer on our own. We shouldn't be afraid to talk to someone.

I was glad to come across the ADAA website. After listening and reading about others and their battles, I felt assured to tell my story about how my mother's suicide affected me.

One time someone close said to me, years later, that she didn't know what to say. If she would of known what she knows now, she would of been there. We need to gather together and know that we have each other. No matter how big the grief, sadness and anxiety can ease with help and support. Mental wellness and self-care can help so much as it is helping me everyday move forward. I am no longer going to fight the everlasting suicide that I was left from my mothers pain. I will be part of the change to leave it behind as well as be part of others that need to know. My mental health is important to my husband, children, and grandchildren and I want to enjoy more years with them.