Grief Through the Holidays

Anxiety, grief, loss, sadness, day to day stress that comes with work and relationships. How do we get through the ups and downs that inevitably come our way? My experience with these, I’m sure in many ways, is universal and in sharing my story with AADA, I hope to connect with readers in a way that brings hope and comfort. We are all so much more alike than we are different.

When my father lost his battle with cancer in October of 2005 I was understandably grief stricken. It affected me in every way. Physically, it triggered an auto-immune disease flare up and I experienced adrenal burn-out. Emotionally, I was weighed down, having been left with many unanswered questions about the complicated relationship he and I shared. I also stopped writing music.

Nature has always been therapeutic for me, so my mom and I began taking daily walks around the lake by their house. I was once again reminded of the importance of being outside. Sometimes, we’d cry. Sometimes, we’d laugh, remembering my dad’s sense of humor. Sometimes, we’d pray. There were days when we walked separately and at times we’d walk in silence, side by side. My mom was such a comfort to me, even during her own grief. 

As we moved into the holiday season that year, we knew it would be hard- all of the firsts. For me, it has always been especially important to rely on the people around me as a support system. We can’t do it alone. As hard as it was, my husband and our family, along with my mom, stepped into the traditions we had always honored. The things I had come to count on helped me feel grounded during a time when I honestly felt anything but. I also sought guidance from trusted spiritual leaders who gave me a safe space to be honest about the deep sorrow I was feeling. 

Keeping medical appointments during this time was especially difficult, but I’m grateful that I followed through. Adjustments in my thyroid medication and the addition of an anxiety medication were important factors in sustaining my well being during the grieving process. 

So much has transpired since then. It’s true that time heals, but we also need to be easy on ourselves. The time that it takes to heal from the loss of a loved one is different for everyone. Life will never be the same, but we can move forward and healing can happen. I still miss my dad but I was graciously taught and gently led in learning the concept of difficult times bearing beautiful fruit. I eventually started writing music again. Those daily walks around the lake grew into a new season of focused health and fitness and as the weight of grief became lighter, I was left with a heightened awareness and sensitivity for others going through their own season of struggle. 

In recent years I’ve come to understand the importance of checking in on myself. How am I feeling? Do I need to cry? Do I need to talk to someone? Do I need to pray? Am I drinking enough water? Am I eating well? Along with spiritual and philosophical reflection, I can’t overstate the value of the practical aspects of self-care.

Some self-care practices will be very specific to us as individuals. For me, creating music and singing are vital. Life can become so full and busy that we find ourselves overwhelmed and stressed, which can potentially lead to mental and physical malaise. A counselor once explained it to me like this;

“Picture yourself as a cup. Your life keeps pouring more and more into the cup, things both in and out of your control. You must have something in your life that pokes holes in the bottom of your cup and relieves some of the pressure.”

I’m healthier now than I’ve ever been. Doctors have often asked me, “What do you think the difference is? What do you think you’re doing that’s helping so much?” I feel it’s a lot of things and I also believe that doing what you love is essential to holistic well-being. As a person of faith, I believe that doing what I love is spiritually inspired and accentuated by a sense of purpose. 

All these years. All of these lessons. All of the ups and downs. We’re all trying to do our best, to get through it all and to thrive. 

“Joy and pain and love, and all that’s in-between. The stories intertwined like a movie. The ties that bind will soon give way to memories. Gotta hold on tight to what that means.” 

These words from a song I wrote in 2012 have never rung more true, as our family faced the loss of my beautiful mother this year. My heart is broken. As I begin a new journey through the grieving process, there are moments when all of the sound advice I have written in this piece seems to hold no weight at all. Moments when overwhelming emotion and anxiety leave me floating; untethered; uncertain. Experience has taught me that this is ok. These moments are fleeting. I know that my feet and my faith will, once again, find solid ground but sometimes that contrast is experienced daily.

Now, here we are in the holiday season. If you’ve lost someone you love, or are struggling with the heaviness that life can bring, be easy on yourself. Check in with yourself. Ask yourself what you need, and then follow through. If you don’t know what you need, ask for help. I’ll be right there with you, and I’ll be doing all of the things that my mom did to make this season, and our lives, so special.

I love you mom. Here we go. All of the firsts.

Listen to Shari's song, The Heavy and visit her website: www.sharirowe.com.

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