Healing My Speaking Anxiety So I Can Empower Others

I hardly ever said a word growing up. There was a lot of yelling in my home, and I found it safer to stay quiet in the background. When my sisters were “fresh” as mom called it, she’d twist their arm or wash their mouths out with soap. It was terrifying. I promised myself that I’d never make Mom mad at me like that.

Because I was the good girl, Mom put me on a pedestal as an example. She’d say, “Why can’t you girls be more like Linda?” Understandably, my sisters hated that. As soon as Mom turned her back, they’d find a way to attack—torture-tickling me or kicking me in the shins. If I sang or danced around the house, they’d say, “Shut up, stupid!” I learned to retreat to my bedroom where it was safe to be myself. Introverted Linda was born.

Although Mom praised my behavior, she criticized my appearance; she said my teeth were crooked and that my smile looked ugly. Although outwardly I resisted her, inside I became increasingly self-conscious and inhibited.

School was also problematic. One day in the seventh grade, all of the girls decided they weren’t going to talk to me. I remember chatting with one girl in the hallway when a group of cool kids came by and said, “Hey Heidi, remember, we’re not talking to Linda.” She said, “Oh, I forgot,” and turned on her heel and walked away.

By young adulthood, I was always nervous talking to people, constantly second-guessing myself. “What will they think of me? I shouldn’t have said that; I should have said this.” My happy place was dancing, where I could express myself without words. A college dance/movement therapy class introduced me to exploring my relationship to myself and others through movement, journaling, and sharing reflections. It was my first experience of safe space.

Years later, I became an online coach, helping people find ease through movement, mindset, and relaxation. When live-streaming came on the scene, I was told I needed to broadcast daily to build a following, so I decided to try it.

It was terrifying. My heart was pounding, I was hyperventilating, I had racing thoughts—all this despite being a performer for 35 years. I assumed, like everyone says, if I kept pushing through my anxiety, my nerves would subside.

After seventy-five days straight, my heart was still pounding out of my chest. I was managing my fear, but I didn’t want to have to manage it. I wanted to get rid of it. I closed my eyes and asked, “If my fear could talk, what would it say?” What came back was, “You’re gonna get attacked.”

The memory came flooding back of my sisters attacking me when Mom put me on the pedestal. Of course, I was afraid to be the center of attention; I’d learned it was dangerous.

If you’re afraid of speaking somewhere, even a little bit, you might have a memory like this too. Maybe it wasn’t your siblings who attacked you, but maybe you were bullied or had a mean teacher. Maybe you grew up hearing things like “Silence is golden,” or “Children should be seen and not heard.”

But you didn’t come into this world afraid to be seen. Babies and children thrive on attention. Think of the toddler who shouts, “Look at me!” as they hang from the monkey bars. What happened between then and now?

When I discovered I was carrying hurt from the past, I knew I needed to clear them away. With my master’s degree in expressive arts therapy, I used re-parenting techniques, creative visualization, the emotional freedom technique (EFT), and journaling to work through comments I had been holding onto. I forgave everyone I could think of, and most importantly, I forgave myself. After five days, my racing heart vanished. A week later, I actually heard myself say how grateful I was to be able to livestream and just relax in front of a camera.

When I didn’t see anyone addressing the root causes of speaking anxiety, I knew I had to write a book for people like me, who haven’t been able to find their speaking confidence through practice alone.

I’ve been working with groups and individuals now for nearly a decade, teaching my Inner Freedom Framework to identify and clear the root causes, restore a sense of safety, and learn to love your speaking voice. Through social media, my podcast, and my book Delight in the Limelight, I guide people to reclaim and rejoice in their voice.

You are not stuck with your anxiety around speaking. Just like me and the clients I’ve worked with, speaking can become something you enjoy and look forward to doing.

I struggled for years with public speaking anxiety that inhibited more areas of my life, and my career, than I even realized until I began to heal the root of this fear. I, like many others, was led to believe that feeling the fear and doing it anyway was the answer, or that repetition would somehow make it magically go away. Like so many who remain frustrated and stuck with phobias and anxieties, I found the answer to be more complex than that. In my case, I needed to go inward and process childhood and adolescent traumas that had been unhealed in order to truly heal and release the fear. I hope others can benefit from my story and from the information I share on my social media platforms and my book, Delight in the Limelight.

Discover more about Delight in the Limelight on Linda's social media: Instagram @lindaugelow, Facebook @lindaugelowbiz

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