From the Mailbox to the Ultramarathon

08.22.2024

From the Mailbox to the Ultramarathon

by Todd Crush

--Trigger Warning - Suicide Discussion --

Do not be discouraged when confronted with the impossible. I’m living proof that anything can be done. As a child, I was subjected to relentless verbal abuse by my mother who also locked me in a closet for extended periods. This trauma created a constant pattern of negative thoughts that played over and over in my head for decades, as well as triggers in the form of PTSD.

At 25, with a young family, I was struck with the onset of schizophrenia and anxiety. Everything in my world came to a screeching halt. My career as a biochemist fell into disarray, and my ability to navigate family life crumbled shortly afterward. I was terrified of being locked away forever, so I never told anyone about my voices or hallucinations and suffered alone.

After surviving a suicide attempt and encountering the horrific actions of another schizophrenic, the fear of being institutionalized or hurting my own children haunted me. I loaded up a backpack and headed into the wilderness. After surviving several near-death experiences, and trekking over mountains and through the desert for five years, I eventually ended up in Arkansas.

My psychosis was so severe, I could not remember my name or anything about my life. I went directly to the hospital, but it was several days before my memory came flooding back. I languished for several years, in and out of the woods for shorter stints, and endured many hospitalizations.

Due to medication and exacerbated symptoms of schizophrenia, agoraphobia took hold and I was afraid to leave my apartment. In 2019, I stood on the scale and saw 297 pounds. Suddenly, a switch flipped in my brain. Initially, I started walking laps around my apartment.

Despite the gripping terror, I ventured out to the mailbox and eventually stretched my fear-ridden trips around the block. I struggled against terrible hallucinations and paralyzing paranoia and anxiety every single time, but I kept going.

Around this time, my therapist suggested I reach out to three people I didn’t know well and tell them about my schizophrenia. One of those people was Lesli. I immediately shared with her in a way I never had with anyone. She believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. During our first phone conversation, she had me shouting “I AM AMAZING!” In less than a year she became my wife. Our relationship has always been reverent in its depth and complete in its support and encouragement of each other.

I still struggled with my mental illness, but now I had someone who always instilled in me the drive to be the next best version of myself in each moment. Often, that meant doing the challenging work of facing my shortcomings and confronting the true nature of myself.

From the beginning, Lesli and I embraced the motto - attempt small, celebrate big. Even going to a restaurant was difficult, but I knew I had to push past my fear. If I failed, we would celebrate that I had tried. Going out to dinner grew into attending our daughter's crowded cheer competitions. Before I knew it, I was performing music in public.

Throughout this time, I began journaling my progress. My story began to unfold on paper. The process of sharing my story plunged me into a deep dive into my past. It was incredibly unsettling but immensely rewarding. I turned to the ADAA website often at this time to find hope and inspiration to keep going. Working with my doctor to get the right combination of medications, along with holistic work, like writing my book and running daily, have all helped me tremendously.

I began running again. Reliving my past often triggered me, so I would have symptoms or struggle with nightmares. In March of 2023, I went for a run and started hallucinating. Normally, I would have immediately headed home, but I kept running. I went three times longer than usual and before I finished, the hallucination had vanished. I fought back. It taught me that I can face any challenge – and WIN. It completely changed my outlook on life. I didn’t just think I was strong; I had proven that I was.

A few months ago, I committed to train for and run ultra marathons. When my mileage increased, something miraculous happened. My symptoms completely went away. As I write this, I have been completely free of any hallucinations, anxiety, paranoia, and intrusive thoughts for 168 days. I haven’t even had any bad dreams.

I now have a purpose. I will change the way the world speaks about and treats mental illness. I chose to share my story with ADAA in order to create hope, inspire, and educate all who encounter mental illness in any form. What seems impossible to you now, will one day be your normal. We are only limited by what we tell ourselves we can do. There is no impossible, with determination we become it. I am grateful my scars have become maps, for myself and all who struggle.