My Practice of LifeLines

For my first year of life I wailed in such distress that my parents could not find a way to soothe me.  They had no idea that was the beginning of my relentless struggle to live in a world devoid of acceptance or meaning. While most girls were gleefully playing with dolls and dreaming of happily ever afters, I was suffused in a deep sense of futility unable to be assuaged. And although I channeled that existential despair into dark, rhyming verses that attempted to make sense of the senseless, they represented tangible proof of my insanity and I shamefully stuffed them into the dark crevices of my drawers where they would never be seen by anyone.  

Convinced these stigmatizing qualities would make me a pariah, I completely disassociated from who I was, becoming the image of who others expected me to be.  I anchored to perfection in physical looks, social status and performance to receive validation and derive self-worth.  My perfectionism demanded extreme academic success, believing any grade under 100% was failure and signified unworthiness.  I also felt undeserving of pleasure and punished myself in complete denial of food and other sustenance. And all the while I repressed every single emotion other than, “I feel great!”

By the time I met my now-husband Doug I was so malnourished that I could barely walk up a flight of stairs.  He took control and “forced” me to fuel my body, which allowed my obsessive thinking to ease.  And although we both followed convention and embarked on traditional careers post-college, Doug encouraged me to strive for more and follow the entrepreneurial path.  Founding Melissa & Doug sparked my first “dot moment” in realizing I had capacity to forge my profound darkness into radiant light.  I had believed that my innate darkness could only incite more darkness, but now saw that it could be channeled into engaging toys and unleash imagination.  Creating toys from despair became my salvation—finally sensing that there might actually be a blessing to those stigmatizing qualities, which I coined my “blurse.”  I could now breathe fresh air since there was meaning to the despair that had always threatened to submerge me. 

In the eyes of the world, my carefully maintained façade portrayed a Melissa who had achieved the American dream and was destined to find eternal bliss.  But the truth was very different. For although I was creating exuberant toys from my pain, I was still hiding those despairing qualities in the shadows and racing outside myself for acceptance through perpetual creation.  And I was utterly desperate to be seen authentically.  

As I approached my fifties, my search for meaning led me to devour books and podcasts including Viktor Frankl's "Man Search for Meaning," which became a portal on my quest toward self-discovery. Frankl put a name to the affliction I had suffered with all my life: Existential Depression.  When I learned that those afflicted with ED were highly creative and possessed hyper-sensitivities making their reactions to life experience more acute than most, I sobbed with joy. I now knew I was not alone.

It was clear I needed to take that journey inward and find self-acceptance, as the lifelong race to find validation and meaning externally had been futile and brought me no closer to salvation.  The pain I was experiencing plus the resistance to facing that anguish was inducing suffering so great, that I finally cracked. It was time to face those inner demons and jump into the abyss, knowing that the only way out was through. However, I couldn’t make that inward journey alone.  So I enlisted the help of a therapist and began that arduous, extraordinary Journey to Inner S.P.A.C.E.  It was essential to create “space” between my head and my heart if I had any hope of unshrouding the real Melissa.

My first step was to simply STOP and ground myself in the present moment.  The next was to PERCEIVE what it meant to feel and where feelings manifested themselves in my body. The next step was understanding that I was actually a full spectrum of emotions, and must stop judging and censoring my anguish, quiet my inner critic and allow any and all feelings to flow through me. Next was to COMPREHEND my triggers and trace them back to my wounded inner child for reprocessing.  And lastly, I needed to EMBRACE myself in totality, develop my practice of LifeLines to remain steadfast, and kindle my sparks to ignite a bond-fire with humanity.

I also realized that although I had wholly accepted myself in totally, I would still face days where darkness flooded my soul. I thus needed to bolster my emotional resilience. For as in any sport, the only way to get better at something was with constant and deliberate practice.  Establishing a daily practice to keep me safe and sane became my medicine.  That practices includes three areas:  self-care, tools, and passions/play to maintain equanimity throughout life’s ever-present storms.  Like a beacon in the night, this practice became my lifeline.

Once I was able to vibe my authentic truth my life mission became to show others that: they are not alone, they have capacity to channel their darkness into light and access meaning, and unless they make that journey inward and accept themselves in totality, they will never find fulfillment. After I wrote my memoir, LifeLines, Doug and I knew our next chapter was to create a digital ecosystem of the same name where others can find the support they need on their path toward self-discovery. We offer free workshops and a community of Seekers who support each other so no one will ever feel alone again.

From the little girl who felt an utter sense of futility toward existence, I now know exactly why I am here.  For when I connect with like souls and help them unearth their own meaning, I feel the joy of communion fill my soul with gratitude for every breathtaking moment I am here.

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