Unsaid Feelings Never Left Unsaid nor Unheard

Unsaid Feelings Never Left Unsaid nor Unheard

by Aileen Mae Marfil

 Writing is not really my thing, well not until few years ago. I loved writing and coming up with stories to write, but as time flew, I started to doubt this unusual hobby of mine that kind of became my dream at some point. But then, without me noticing, I am unconsciously starting writing again, but this time not a made-up story, but the real ones. My story. That's when I realized the beauty of writing, and then it hits me, that unsaid feelings should never be left unsaid. And I will write. I will write until it hurts no more. I will write until the agony left expressed like a historic event that needs to be recorded hoping that like words, it can also be erased, edited, and forever saved. I actually am not the kind of a person who shares my pain with others, not until I have already overcome it. However, this changes when I hit the bottom rock of my life.  I felt so much that it started to shatter me into pieces. I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted for the past months, and I don't even know where the way out is. Imagine being in a maze; a network of paths and hedges that acquires a great amount of effort and strength to find your way into. When you turned right and saw a glimpse of light, you thought you are already there, but just when you are too excited and happy it suddenly turns out that that is just another dead end. You see how fast hope can be stolen; how sudden your joy turns into disappointment. There are a lot of doors, but you are too tired losing hope and fighting the battle that totally knocks you down every time you try so hard to fight. That's how my life right now is really weighing on me. I never saw all of it coming, and I felt so weak that it scares me to rise up again.  I think it all began with my physical health; I was not really a healthy kid to begin with. Every other day specially at night, I suffered with shortness of breath being unable to sleep and be productive the following day. Just when it keeps on happening, I told my mom that I needed to be checked up and so we went to the nearest medical center. We found out that my blood oxygen level is low and aside from giving me vitamins to take, the remedy is more on about self-care. But you know what's the worst of it all, the thought of dying. I kept on having this freaky thought, 'what if I'll die?'. And it is getting worse day by day. That's when I realized I have death anxiety which I find weird because I am a Christian and hey, I go to church every week. But the next thing that happened is what broke me into piece. My best friend passed away. The one who is everything to me, the one whom I shared every dream and goals I have, suddenly, for the first time ever, without any warning, did not made it to my birthday. And I think that was when I became so vulnerable, out of reach, broken at19 years old.  But little did I know, after a short moment of reflecting and taking time to breathe, my journey has just started. My death anxiety and all of the panic attacks is stealing every ounce of happiness left in me. Everywhere I look, there is this boundless uncertainty that is hindering me to say that this is what life is. All the pain is so tiring, I never felt so much exhausted. But then I realized that you have to stumble a lot of times for you to learn and figure out how to come back alive every time it gets harder to try again. I learned that I just have to be strong enough to say the words because people do care. And that they are trying to be strong enough to listen and understand. That's when I realized that I needed help, and that I cannot do this alone. Though the whole process is taking a lot of time, patience, tears, and courage, I will forever be grateful to face tomorrow with a braver and strong heart. And I want every people to know, that they are not alone in this battle. 

One of the most helpful things that gave me the motivation to overcome this battle is by reading and getting informed about the stories of others, and ADAA is one of those platforms that made it possible. Just the thought that I am not alone in this is very comforting, and I think that’s the very reason why I reached out to ADAA.

We know by fact that mental health is such a taboo, and looking at the cultural perspective of the place where I am living, I find it really hard to be diagnosed and get treatment from professionals. And so, in my case, it is more about self-treatment which is really hard since it takes a great amount of effort and time. I think what helps me the most is ‘acceptance’, accepting that what my feelings are valid and that this will make me stronger than before. Meditation and relaxation techniques are also the things I focused myself into. But more than all of these, being in a group of people or just someone who can understand you is more than enough. It was a long process and sometimes it still haunts me, but you know, you just really have to embrace yourself and be filled with hope.

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