Anxiety

 These are the words I could never say in school. Every day was a silent struggle... Praying my name wasn’t called in class, avoiding friends on the soccer field, and engaging in substances that I was far too young to experience.

“I’m fine; leave me alone” he says as I find myself, yet again, prodding, nagging, trying to help

The words hit me

So familiar

Not just in our own dance of push and pull

But also in that of another anxiety-ridden parent-child relationship, this one where I am the child

Was it only last week that I found my 44 year-old self saying these same words to my own mother

As she was expressing her concern about my own issue that I wanted to deny

And so it is, this game we play

Growing up as a terrified Amish child was extremely difficult because I could not speak to anyone about my fears, nightmares, and personal illusions that were perceived as reality. My family did not believe in any form of expression or communication because we were in the strictest Amish sect. They did not even believe in hugging their children or saying I love you.