Healing—Whether You Believe you Can or Cannot, Either Way You're Right
Let's start with my childhood. My dad has a heart of gold but suffers from health anxiety and chronic depression and I have seen him suffer for 26 years of the 28 years that I am today. I saw him get seizures at the age of 11/12 and I freaked out—that moment is still imprinted on me.I did have issues in my teenage years because I was kept away from my mom but that was manageable. However, a major life change happened after I got married and moved to New York. I stayed with my in-laws and my mother-in-law made my life miserable. And in the midst of that, I got fired from my job. I started getting panic attacks where I felt I would freeze and pass out. I would run to Urgent Care to check my blood pressure and vitals cause I thought I would pass out.
I then started counseling. It did help me mildly but my husband wasn't very supportive of my mental health issues. I started going to doctors and researching more and more about different diseases. I felt that whatever disease I read, I will get that. The more on social media I would read about someone dying I was convinced I was next. Then came my family from India and they really distracted me. In the midst of all this, I felt light-headed and went to Urgent Care for dizziness. There my ECG came back as abnormal. I was admitted to the ER where my vitals were normal. But it scared me. After a month they left, I moved out with my husband, and I also got a job. I decided to go back to Mumbai cause I was very homesick. I went to see a cardiologist and my reports came normal. I started my new job the very next day and while there was no work, I researched the weird symptoms I was experiencing. My head felt weird with sensations and there was a loud crackling noise in my ear which affects my head and body in an unexplainable way. I went to my doctor who said it was anxiety and I went to ENT he said I have no hearing issues. I am also seeing a neurologist. My panic attacks started getting bad and started to occur more regularly. Almost once a day, which left me more scared. In the midst of all this, I did not feel supported by my husband. He does love me but he cannot respect my health issues and suffering.I am tired of my sufferings. I will go to the doctor to just make sure there is nothing serious in neurology. I am going to change my life for the better and at least I'll look after my emotions and feelings and thoughts, which I can control. I am going to heal myself. My healing process has started. Therapy is working great for me more than medications, I really don't believe in medications as much as I believe in myself to overcome it. I reached out to ADAA because I feel it's so powerful to come out and express yourself without any fears to people who do know you and who don't know you.
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