Changing The Way You Date

Most of us have some anxiety when meeting someone new. But when it comes to dating, the stakes seem extra high — especially for folks with social anxiety. People who are socially anxious worry excessively about how they are perceived by others. They feel pressure to be liked by everyone. Even folks who don’t struggle with social anxiety can experience this pressure when they are looking for love. Sometimes that pressure feels unbearable and you stop dating, because it’s just too hard. By approaching dating differently, you may find it’s actually enjoyable, rather than onerous.

When we are anxious, our minds can get very noisy with anxious chattering. This is called rumination. Rumination often starts before the date, with some variation of the question, “WILL THEY LIKE ME?” Once you engage with this thought, your anxiety tends to build. By the time you get to the date, you are so focused on what that person may think about you, that you can’t focus on much else. The internal anxiety chatter goes something like this, “Do they think I’m attractive?” “Am I being funny/smart/interesting enough?” “Am I properly dressed, smell good, and smiling enough?” “Is there something stuck in my teeth?” When you are doing this, you aren’t present with your date. Instead, you are inside your anxious mind. And you won’t get what you need from the date.

Participant Observation: A Helpful Tool for Dating Anxiety

Anthropologists use a technique called participant observation when they are seeking to understand new societies and cultures. They embed themselves in this new society in order to understand them. They are involved as participants in the daily activities of its members, but anthropologists are mostly observing. They are gathering information. They reflect on how this new culture is similar to or different from other cultures they have encountered. They reflect on their own biases. They maintain a stance of curiosity, interest, acceptance, and respect toward the people they are studying.

To apply the principles of participant observation to dating, the first and most important aspect is that you are not invested in the outcome. You have no idea how the date will go. You have no idea if the person will like you or you like them. You are only curious and non-judgmental. When you are not invested in the outcome it relieves a lot of pressure and you are less likely to be anxious.

On the date, ask yourself, “Who is this person I’m meeting for the first time? What do I notice about them? What am I enjoying and not enjoying while being with them? How does this person make me feel?” You are interested in getting to know them. You ask them questions and you listen to their answers. You notice their body language. And you are observant about your own feelings when interacting with them. You are not judging them or yourself. You are present in the experience. You have no agenda, other than to get to know them and see how you feel about them.

On the date, your mind may drift. You may feel anxious and start to worry about how you are coming across. Don’t analyze your anxiety. Just re-focus on the person sitting across from you and how you feel about them — not on how you imagine they are perceiving you. Use all your senses to focus on the present. Don’t project yourself into the future.

Once the pressure is off of you needing to be liked and whether this is your one true love, you can be fully engaged in the present and not in your anxious ruminations.

Using this technique will likely help reduce your anxiety and you may actually have fun while dating!

And … for those who are super anxious and have been avoiding dating altogether

It’s helpful to start with “practice dates.” (These can be thought of as similar to practice interviews when you are looking for a job.) You set your expectations to zero other than you are going to meet a stranger in real life.

Here’s how it goes: You schedule a coffee date that lasts one-hour maximum. You tell your date that you have plans with a friend in an hour when you meet. You go into the date telling yourself you are not permitted to see this person again. The entire goal of the date is for you to practice meeting someone for coffee and applying the participant-observer mentality to the date. You maintain a sense of curiosity about this person and how you feel in their presence. That is all. There is no investment in the outcome, as you will never see this person again. (In your mind you can pretend you are an actual anthropologist and you will be recording your observations after the date.) Setting up dates a few times this way will likely give you the confidence to continue meeting more people and you can start going on “real dates”.

And when you meet more people, you have a better understanding of what you are looking for in a potential mate. The person who may be your true love may not necessarily have been the type of person you initially had in mind. When you approach dating with a participant observer perspective you are open to meeting many more people and you will likely be less exhausted from the process. And, in addition to having more fun on dates, you will likely have many interesting stories to tell.

Listen to Dr. Thornton's episode Would you consider hiring an escort? with the Crow's Feet: Life As We Age podcast.

This article was originally published on Medium.