by Sarah Bloch-Elkouby, PhD

As a clinical psychologist and a researcher, I often hear patients and friends tell me how isolating it feels to deal with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our human nature does not prepare us to strive without deep, meaningful, and fulfilling connections to others. And yet, sometimes it feels like we can’t be part of this social net that we need so much. We would want to be seen, but we can’t seem to be able to tell others how distressed we feel.

The diffuse sense that something is wrong can indeed be difficult to describe, making it more unlikely to share our experience with those who care about us. Often, distress also distorts our view of others – they seem to be doing so well. They don’t seem to struggle with internal pain, they don’t seem to feel sad and unworthy, they can get up and go to work without feeling this tense sensation in their stomach… And sometimes, it also seems like they don’t care about how we feel. In our society which makes extended use of social media, people are even more likely to feel this way. On Facebook, Instagram and Twitter everyone looks so much happier and more successful than us… It is almost as if to us, feeling symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other conditions automatically means that we cannot belong anymore.

This internalized stigma – if I have these experiences, if I feel distressed, then I can’t belong, is very isolating. And, as I said before, we humans are not meant to strive without strong connections. Isolation therefore makes us feel worse and exacerbates our distress and symptoms.

Luckily everyone can receive help. To receive it, your first step may be to share your experience with a friend or a family relative you trust. Try to choose someone who is stronger at listening than giving advice; someone who will be able to validate your experience. If you’re not sure who to talk to, you can start by sharing a small piece of what you’re going through. If the person responds in a way that makes you feel better, that brings more air to your tensed lungs, you will know that you can share more. On the contrary, if you get a reaction that increases your distress and makes you feel “stupid” or guilty for going through your hardship, then just stop and change topics.

If no friends or relatives seem to be able to help, you can call one of the mental health helplines such as the National Alliance on Mental illness (NAMI) helpline at 1800-950-6264 (available Monday through Friday 10am to 6pm EST). You will be able to unload this heavy weight that you are carrying with you without disclosing your identity. If you are open to receiving professional help, the helpline workers will also provide you with referrals to mental health professionals with whom you can consult.

Of course, you can always use the ADAA website to figure out if the distress you are experiencing has a name and whether certain forms of psychotherapy or pharmacological treatments are more recommended than others. You can also use the website to identify clinicians who are certified to help you.

And don’t forget, there are no human beings who live their life without experiencing hardships. Mental illness is much more common than you may think. Most of us go through difficult experiences and struggle with some form of distress. Your struggle makes you more human; not less.

About the author: 

Sarah Bloch-Elkouby, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, a researcher, and a post-doctoral fellow at Mount Sinai Beth Israel in New York, where she also teaches in the residency program. She treats patients who struggle with a variety of conditions, including anxiety, depression, bipolar disorders and trauma. Her clinical orientation follows a flexible mindset that integrates several evidence-based treatment approaches. She presented her clinical work at international conferences and in peer-reviewed publications. Sarah was awarded the ADAA Career Development Leadership Award (practice Track) for 2019-2020.


This article is spot on. Thank you for sharing. I am going to share it to my facebook page. I do not feel like I have people in my life that understand and love me. They did. They went to therapy with me..a few times..and then I knew they would. They wont' want to hear about it anymore. I am left alone. Thank you.

I can identify with the part where you said, "I do not feel like I have people in my life that understand and love me," because I don't seem to be able to have a supportive friend on the level of being able to reach out to them when I need it most. I have a few casual friends who are surrounded by many close friends and family of their own, and I believe they're not interested in spending what little alone time they have with me. I don't have family and friends to be with as often as I need to. I rarely see or talk to the few long-term friends I have. I know my illness is the reason for this solitude, and it's nobody's fault. I'm getting old now, and don't feel as though I can change things, having lived this way for most of my life.

I feel that too. I'm have many good quality friends who each have their own friend groups. I am a part of each group, but more so on the outskirts. It's isolating in a way, because you know all these great people, but they're too busy for you and you don't feel that sense of community that you quite fit in anywhere. I wonder if this is my fault sometimes. Is there something in my behavior that makes me an outsider of all these groups? Am I unable to connect with everyone? I feel I do a good job communicating and connecting. I reach out, but they rarely do. So I'm not sure, but I wish I knew so I could make the changes necessary to be happy

I feel in the same boat as you. Just got done hanging out with a group of my ‘close friends’ that I’m in grad school with. But I feel like I’m not even involved in the conversation or they even care if I am. I feel like I’m on the outside watching in. It breaks my heart and makes me feel more isolated than I already do. I know I isolate myself with my depression and anxiety but this heightens it to a new level

I struggle with similar things and I discovered that staying around others is very helpful to recovery. It’s so tempting thought because it makes you want to just be to yourself but we have to fight that urge.

First time reading exactly how I feel,working with my therapist for a few years now, she tries to get me to go take a course, listen to speakers at local college.Just doesn't feel like it would help, plus who would I share my new knowledge with? Male, young 64; local senior center appears to have so many 70 year olders' no common ground. With no support from family where does one turn or due we just except the isolation we start to feel the most comfortable with. In closing I go out each day go places but always alone am I really more comfortable with this perhaps so but happy not even close. Thank you for great article To the point

This article also describes very accurately how I feel. I have not got friends or family that want to hear how things are for me on a deeper level or give any ongoing support. Maybe I am expecting too much from other people. I am a young independent 71 year old woman living in an independent retirement flat attached to nine others. I relate to people superficially and pretend that things are fine. Can't risk trusting anyone with anything more. I have lost a lot of confidence in relating to others. I only feel the deepest distress when I am alone and my lack of confidence hits me very hard. I worry about a lot about issues to do with aging which are probably common for people of my age. I feel safer by myself but long for a deeper connection. This article is very helpful thank you